Confession.

Something inside me ruins all my relationships. Because whenever I get too close to someone, the feelings always disappear. And after they leave, the feelings always come back.

Remarkable.

You can never be too sure. You might feel absolutely certain about something, but the doubt always lingers in the back of your head, in the cavern of your soul.

It's inevitable. I guess maybe the doubt is what tears people apart. Maybe it's selfishness, emotion, hurt, insecurities, being lost, your own problems. Not wanting anyone else in.

It's important to hold onto the things you doubt the most, because they're often what you need the most.

Recall.

"How could I have been so ignorant? she thinks. So stupid, so unseeing, so given over to carelessness. But without such ignorance, such carelessness, how could we live? If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next - if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions - you’d be doomed. You’d be as ruined as God. You’d be a stone. You’d never eat or drink or laugh or get out of bed in the morning. You’d never love anyone, ever again. You’d never dare to."
- Margaret Altwood, The Blind Assain (page 632)

Under pressure

I wanted to fall asleep in the horizon.

I wanted to melt into the surface of the ocean.

Taking the plunge.

Sometimes, people actually do feel that way.
Sometimes, your life feels like it's caving in on you. Sometimes, people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death.
Saying, "I don't want to exist," is not saying "I want to die".
It's saying "I wish that I could go somewhere and not have to feel."
I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

Gain control.

I don't understand a lot of things.

My best friends don't care

How do I carry on?

I can't stand half of the people I encounter day after day,

I'm so misunderstood.

I could keep writing and feel sorry for myself,
for the fact I have no one

But there are some,
That I love
To no end.

They love me even more than I deserve

So I'm not alone

I'm just an outsider with some people that don't mind who I really am

I guess that's part of life

Whispering see you later,

Because our friendship is buried away

Under all of your lies

I've given up

I'm at that point, where I don't know what else to do

I'd like to think we are just paused,

And hopefully someday we can resume.

When you're born, you're born into this world as one person. One breathing, living, creature. You come into this world alone, and you leave alone.

But what you're born into isn't solidarity. You're born into a family. Not by choice, but more by pure coincidence and sheer fate.

Is it fair to be born into something you can't choose for yourself? I would think no, but there really isn't anyway around it.

Some days I can be pleasant and take your shit, but not today. You test my sanity, my state of well-being. We will never see eye to eye, you're always right. Shut up already. In the car tonight, I was on the brink of freaking out. But you don't care, no you really don't.

Here comes the good part, finally.

I have really fantastic friends.
The imperfect, unassuming, loyal best friends. The family that you're meant to have, the ones that make you feel alive. The family you enjoy and cherish, not the one you're born into.